


Broken doesn't mean shattered

by Ellstra



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow series - Gemma T. Leslie
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:43:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5216564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"I’ll always be broken.”</i><br/>“And I’ll always be a vampire."</p><p> </p><p>Simon wakes up in Baz's arms immediately after the encounter with the Humdrum, with the Mage, with everything... And he's feeling worse than ever and that is probably saying something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken doesn't mean shattered

**Author's Note:**

> Carry On is the best things that's happened to me in the past month. Just needed to point that out.  
> I've also drawn a fan art for this: http://ellstra.tumblr.com/post/133270540552/its-gone-really-for-good-simon-whispers

That night will be the last one of them sharing their room at Watford but they don’t know it yet. They’re too exhausted to move anywhere and they would fall asleep right there where they fought…who? It was still so much of a blur. Baz thinks it might make more sense in the morning but he wouldn’t bet on it. They drag each other up to the room, never letting go. Simon is basically asleep on Baz’s shoulder and he looks like he might just dissolve and disappear.

Upon entering their room Baz expects dust to rise. It feels like ages since he left, it truly does. So much happened during that time that he can’t believe it’s been barely days. He takes one quick look at Simon and decides that shower will definitely have to wait till morning. Baz sits Simon gently on his bed and takes Simon’s face between his palms. He still feels traces of tears under his thumbs so he wipes them away.

“Hey, baby,” he whispers and smiles slightly at how amazing it feels to finally say those words, despite everything. “I need you to take off some of your clothes, okay?”

Simon makes an indifferent noise and closes his eyes. Baz sighs and starts unlacing Simon’s shoes. He never imagined his first time undressing Snow to be like this. With him floating just above unconsciousness and faint odour of blood around them.

He strips Simon into just his underwear. He would have kept a t-shirt too but it was torn into pieces when Simon grew his wings. Baz wonders if they’re stuck with them. And the tail. Never forget the tail.

When he’s done, he gently pushes Simon down and the boy happily snuggles with the duvet. Baz strips too and considers lying down in his own bed but the sight of Simon lost in the big bed is too pitiful to ignore. Besides, sleeping curled up with each other might help the nightmares.

Baz climbs into the bed and Simon’s arm immediately finds him and weaves around his chest. He lies awake in Simon’s embrace for some time before he falls asleep in the position of the little spoon.

 _Amazing. Seven years you go to school_ , Baz thinks just before he drifts off, _and nobody teaches you how to cuddle your boyfriend with wings. Typical_.

…

Baz wakes up from thirst. He didn’t have time to hunt the day before and napping in a wrapping of extremely sweet-smelling Simon isn’t helping. He disentangles himself from the cage of Simon’s arms and puts some clothes on. He’ll be quick with it and hopefully Snow will still be sound asleep.

He is. Baz lies back down with Simon, this time facing his boyfriend. He doesn’t feel like sleeping so he just listens to Simon’s breathing, watches the sun dance in Simon’s curls and does so from a completely new perspective. He has never been this close to Simon in his previous observations.

There’s one thing missing. Baz wasn’t so familiar with it as with other aspects of Simon but he came to expect it whenever he touched him, especially in the last few days. But it’s gone; the soft but unrelenting hum or buzz of power that seemed to radiate from Simon’s very core. The joyful murmur of magic under his skin, the persistent course of energy, all gone. It makes Baz extremely sad and for a while he hopes Simon will sleep for many hours before he has to face the reality. The remarkable power that used to be a vital part of Simon Snow is gone and Baz can only imagine how it feels.

But Simon is not given the amount of sleep Baz would wish for him. He stirs and mumbles in Baz’s arms before his eyes open. _At least they’re the same_ , Baz thinks, _my world might have shaken in the foundation but at least I still have my anchors_.

“You’re so beautiful,” Baz murmurs and nuzzles his nose in Simon’s neck. “And warm. And soft. And cuddly.”

Simon doesn’t respond. He lets Baz hold him as close as humanly (or vampire-ly?) possible with Simon’s hands between their chests and tries to stop thinking. He listen’s to Baz’s words and tries to imagine that Baz is not saying them because Simon needs to hear them, but it’s so difficult. And there are tears in his eyes, again, but today he cries for himself. Maybe he shouldn’t, maybe it’s selfish but he just can’t care. A piece of him vanished yesterday and the only person he ever considered his parental figure died. He should probably be glad that he and Penny and Baz are okay – and he is – but there’s just so much to deal with.

“You’re perfect,” Baz goes on. He kisses Simon on the neck and feels the boy loosen up under his lips. Maybe he unlocked some hidden spot. He keeps nibbling at it, gently, tenderly. He feels Simon’s hands moving from his chest to his back and he smiles softly against the golden skin.

“You’re the centre of my universe,” Baz murmurs. Simon sighs and Baz feels Snow’s tear running down his earlobe.

“Shh, I got you,” he looks Simon in the red, puffy eyes. “Don’t hide from me. What else am I here for if not catching your tears?”

“I’m not perfect,” Simon sobs, “I’m broken.”

“Of course you’re not perfect, silly,” Baz smiles gently, “but you’re perfect for me. You’re perfectly imperfect.”

“I’m nothing,” Simon saya almost inaudibly. Baz thinks he might have overheard it if he weren’t a vampire.

“You’re still my annoying roommate. You’re still the devilishly beautiful boy who kept me awake at night. You’re still the dorky idiot who’s followed me everywhere. You’re still the guy who kissed me and saved my life.”

Tears pour out of Simon’s eyes more than before but there’s a small smile upon his lips.

“I can’t promise I’ll always want you – even though it feels impossible to stop – but now I want you more than anything,” Baz kisses Simon again, properly this time. Their lips crash and soon their tongues meet. Simon puts all his strength, all his life into the kiss. For a while, he can forget how wretched his life is.

“You’re a sap,” Simon whispers when they pull away.

“No. I’m a vampire. I have a right for a little drama,” Baz laughs in response.

“I can’t believe you’re finally admitting it,” Simon rolls his eyes.

“I trust you now. Besides, I can hardly deny it now, can I?”

“You couldn’t deny it back then and it didn’t stop you,” Simon leans forward for Baz’s lips. He realises Baz is getting bolder and more confident in it. Their first kiss felt clumsy and even though they didn’t discuss it, Simon wondered whether Baz had kissed anyone before. And if he hadn’t… well, the sweeter it was. But Baz is a quick learner. _He’s fucking flawless in everything he does_ , Simon thinks, annoyed and awed at the same time. Sometimes Baz’s teeth graze Simon’s lip and it startles them both.

“You’re so bloody irresistible,” Baz growls and Simon laughs softly. He rolls onto his back and looks away from Baz. He folds one of his wings wrongly under himself and he yelps with pain. Baz’s eyes go wide with worry and immediately start searching for a hidden threat.

“I’m okay. Just not used to having wings,” Simon mutters and props himself on his elbows to lie down more comfortably.

“You’ll get used to it. It’s not like they’re disgusting,” Baz whispers softly and caresses a tip of Simon’s right wing to prove his point.

“You’re not disgusting,” Simon shakes his head, “and at least you didn’t lose anything.”

“Only my vividness,” Baz sneers.

“That’s idiotic, you’re still alive.”

“And you’re still-“ Baz stops himself before he says ‘Mage’s heir’ which doesn’t seem like the smartest thing he could have said, “you.”

“But I’m not a mage anymore. And what am I going to do with my life now? I’ve trained to be a mage for my whole life.”

“You’re being melodramatic,” Baz protests. He turns on his front to look at Simon again, “you had no idea magic existed until you turned eleven. And let’s be honest, you were a terrible mage anyway.”

“You’re supposed to support me,” Simon complains but he smiles anyway. Baz knows he said the right thing.

“Hey,” Baz plants a tiny kiss on Simon’s chin, “if you want to wallow in self-pity, you can. I’ll be with you. But I’d much prefer if you learned to appreciate what you have. Because trust me, you’ll feel awful without thinking of it directly. There’ll be something that reminds you of magic and boom! You’re depressed. But you have to grit your teeth and just hold on.”

“Are you a therapist now?”

“I just have a lot of personal experience.”

They lie in silence for a while. Simon closes his eyes and Baz can see he’s in thought. And he knows it’s not a good thing.

“It’s gone. Really. For good.” Simon whispers.

“Maybe it will come back,” Baz draws circles on Simon’s chest. _Crowley he’s skinny_ , he realises, _I’ve got to feed him_.

“I don’t think so. I’ll always be broken.”

“And I’ll always be a vampire,” Baz points out, “it doesn’t matter to me, if that’s where you’re going. It was the only thing you had the upper hand in anyway, so I’m glad it’s gone. Now I’m 100% better than you.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Simon sighs but he pulls Baz on top of himself and tickles his boyfriend.

“You love it,” Baz snickers.

“I do.”


End file.
